My Boyfriend is Jealous and Obsessed -- But That's Good, Right?

My boyfriend is jealous and really obsessed with me, but that’s good, right?

It might be flattering in the beginning to have a boyfriend who is so intensely into you that he wants to know every detail about your day and who wants to have you all to himself.

It’s flattering in the beginning, but it gets scary very quickly.

It’s Halloween season, and the great movie Poltergeist is playing for free on television. The older daughter in Poltergeist was played by Dominique Dunne, who had a boyfriend just like you’re describing – charming, talented, jealous, obsessive. In their short relationship, he beat her three times and ultimately murdered her.

The kind of guy who gets this jealous and obsessive may seem confident on the outside, but he is very insecure in reality. He sees you, not as the fabulous person with minor flaws that you are, but as an angel who will save him, and when you slip from being an angel, it’s devastating – and justifies tantrums on his part that often include hitting.

Here is part of a letter that Dominique wrote to that boyfriend – it was read into evidence at his murder trial:

You do not love me. You are obsessed with me. The person you think you love is not me at all. It is someone you have made up in your head. I’m the person who makes you angry, who you fight with sometimes. I think we only fight when images of me fade away and you are faced with the real me. That’s why arguments erupt out of nowhere.

Dominique understood what was happening, and she understood the character of the guy, she just understood it all too late.

Guys like this are often very charming, and at first the relationship seems just like your true love has arrived – he loves you at once. ‘Course, some day Prince Charming will arrive, and things will go swimmingly – but how do you tell the difference?

First, Keep in mind always the Three Variables of True Love – in a bad scenario, the guy will be violating the Second Variable of True Love – Time. He’ll be in a rush for big, public commitments, for living together.

Second, watch for jealous, obsessive behavior – here is another quotation from Dominique Dunne's letter:

We have to be two individuals to work together as a couple. I am not permitted to do enough things on my own. Why must you be a part of everything I do? Why do you want to come to my riding lessons and my acting classes? Why are you jealous of every scene partner I have? Why must you know the name of every person I come into contact with?

Third, if any of this starts to sound familiar, especially if this person is known for having a temper, sit them down in a loving way and make this speech (not from a movie, just from a wise woman):

“You will never get a second chance to hit me. If you hit me today, I’m gone. If you hit me on our wedding day, I’m gone. If you hit me the day our first child is born, I’m gone. If you hit me on our 50^th anniversary, I’m gone.”

And then you follow through. From Dominique’s letter:

The whole thing has made me realize how scared I am of you, and I don’t mean just physically. I’m afraid of the next time you are going to have another mood swing.… When we are good, we are great. But when we are bad, we are horrendous. The bad outweighs the good.

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