Predictably, More on Character

I know, I know that your eyes kinda glaze over when you see the first element of knowing if it’s true love – character. But answer me this – does Sandra Bullock have any happy memories of her marriage? I’m not faulting Sandra; I really think that was an extraordinary situation. My research turned up info from his old friends that showed that he was extremely talented at being whoever you wanted him to be. My researched turned up info that showed that Sandra wants to find the best in people, to be forgiving, to be kindhearted. All excellent qualities, but all qualities that can land a girl in trouble when choosing a mate. Remember we talked about the movie Pillow Talk, how:

Somehow, in Pillow Talk, nobody ever stops to wonder how Doris, who fell in love with chaste, polite, chivalrous Rex Stetson is going to be happy married to rude, selfish womanizer Brad Allen. But I want you to.

And I think what we have here in Sandra’s marriage is Pillow Talk The Lifetime Reality Series. In the Hollywood ending, we are supposed to believe that love has changed Rock, that he has become the good person he was pretending to be. In real life, this never happens – rude, selfish womanizer Jesse couldn’t keep up the pretense of being a man of high character over the long term, because that’s not who he was. And that’s why character is the first element of knowing whether it’s true love.

Riahnna and Chris and True Love part II

Riahnna and Chris and true love part II (miss Part I?)

ShaundalynChic, I’ll get to your question at the end of this entry – first, I want to talk a bit more about Written on the Wind.

Okay, okay, it’s way melodrama, but it’s really well done for what it is, AND it gives you practically moment by moment, how one type of guy who hits gets the girl he winds up hitting.

Robert Stack is the archetypal rich drunken playboy who spots snappy no-nosense Laren Bacall and makes his standard play for her – the standard play is basically, “hi, I’m rich.”

That doesn’t work, and he goes to a different seduction con, “Little Boy Lost.” His father doesn’t understand him, he tries but can’t blah blah, “I find myself talking to you like I've never talked to anyone before ...”

Watch the movie – tell me if you don’t agree with me that Lauren Bacall marries him, not out of sudden, deep love, but because she thinks she can save him. The Invitation to Rescue. You can see how this can happen – sometimes he’s so sweet and fun, and rich, and from all appearances she’s the only one who can make him into what he really should be.

Everything happens in a whirlwind – because guys like this are spoiled babies who want what they want now, and because they’re afraid that once the girl really knows him she’ll run away.

He does really try; he stops drinking for about a year, but he's unreasonably jealous of Rock Hudson, and of course the first crisis brings him down, and he gets drunk and hits her. But even before that – pay attention – she’s not a wife, she’s a nanny, a nurse, an enforcer – is that a marriage?

If you’ve got a friend like Rihanna, sit down and watch this movie with her – see if you can get some real conversation going. It’s high drama, sure, but the characters are absolutely true.



Buy Written on the Wind - click image


And, ShaundalynChic, the reason for Oliver! is the Nancy character – dark for a musical, I know – Bill beats her and eventually kills her, and through it all she says she’s so happy because he needs her – here’s her big musical number:



Download the movie Oliver! from iTunes now! or just the one song:

Riahnna and Chris and true love part I

Riahnna and chris and true love part I

Remember where we started out, with how to tell if it’s true love – the very first rule is:
1. Character - Yours and His

Basic Rule: if either yours or his is seriously flawed or
completely absent, the relationship will not ultimately work,
even (and this is the hard part) even if there is actually real
love. There are no known exceptions to this rule.

It’s a bummer of a rule, and it’s a bummer to have to use the lovely Rianna to demonstrate it. My best guess is that she really loves the boy, but as you can see, where there are serious character flaws, longtime true love is simple unworkable.

Why would she even consider taking him back? My best guess is – not that she thinks he’ll never hit her again, not that he’d be worth it even if he did hit – she’s considering taking him back because she thinks she can save him.

This breaking-news relationship issue is jumping us ahead somewhat in our study of seduction techniques. Two of the three main techniques are premised on the issue of relationships as rescue. that notion is based upon a false premise.

i. The false premise of "the invitation to rescue"

Romantic relationships are not the place to redeem souls and redirect life goals; redeeming souls and redirecting lives are the provinces of priests and social workers. Maybe shrinks and professional career counselors.

Love cannot, by itself, magically change a bad man into a good one. Save as many men as you feel the need to, certainly, but not in a context of romantic love.


Tragically, the more massive the stores of goodness and charity we carry within ourselves, the more susceptible we are to this lose-lose-lose situation.

Resources for Rihanna and others in this situation:

Rianna’s friends should do the following: Sit her down and watch these movies, all of which demonstrate the impossibility of Rescue in a romantic relationship: A Star is Born (I prefer the Judy Garland one, but all will make the point); All That Jazz, Written on the Wind, and maybe even the old musical Oliver!

In all of these, you’ve got a woman who loves a man who’s a mess who uses herself up in trying to save him and who fails, because it’s not possible. For a heartbreaking account of marrying a man with a longstanding reputation as a womanizer, see The Unbearable Lightness of Being.




Second, Rianna’s friends should purchase these books for her and get her to read them – books written by or about real women who had relationships with men just like Chris. Really, when you read the details about life with a guy who fancies himself a player, you'll never want that for yourself or your kids.

Lucy in the Afternoon: An Intimate Memoir of Lucille Ball
No More Idols
Ava: My Story