Post-Valentine's Day and The Idea of Him

The Idea of Him

In When Harry Met Sally, the title characters are discussing their ex’s, and Sally confesses that she doesn’t really miss “him”,

Sally: You know what I miss? I miss the idea of him.

The Idea of Him is a powerful force in our lives – the notion that we’ll have a date on national holidays, that we’ve succeeded, somehow.

If you’re not in a relationship, it’s possible that Valentine’s Day was difficult for you, not – almost certainly not -- because you are actually lonely, but because the notion of The Idea of Him floats in the ether, almost requiring you to feel unhappy if He’s not in your life.

Stripped of all the emotion, it’s almost a comical force.

Sally’s best friend, Princess Leia, well, anyway, Carrie Fisher, illustrates for us the absurdity of letting The Idea of Him rule our lives. She stays in a pathetic, semi, in reality just being used relationship with a married man; she keeps a Rolodex of available single men; despite the face that she has a great job and great friends, she makes herself frantic and unhappy for years. Then she meets the right guy, when it’s the right time for both of them, and everything falls into place, and she’s wasted an insane amount of time and energy, but you don’t have to.

So, we’ve got Jane Austen giving you the advice not to be in a hurry; we’ve got Nora Ephron giving you the advice not to be in a hurry; we’ve got Aunt Lee giving you the advice not to be in a hurry – it’s something to keep in mind.

Note – we’re eventually going to be spending a lot of time with When Harry Met Sally; you’ll want to consider buying the screenplay, which will make it easier to keep up and will get you acquainted with screenplay formatting, because I’m going to convince you to write your own.




Next, The Idea of Him and Safely Married.

He's Just Not That Into You - Now Do You Believe Me?

See -- there is a lot to be learned from watching and absorbing what happens in movies.

One very helpful principle that somehow didn't make it into the Keira Knightly Pride and Prejudice was this exchange:

Mrs. Gardiner: "You are too sensible a girl, Lizzy, to fall in love merely because you are warned against it; and, therefore, I am not afraid of speaking openly. Seriously, I would have you be on your guard...."

Lizzy: "All that I can promise you, therefore, is not to be in a hurry. I will not be in a hurry to believe myself his first object. When I am in company with him, I will not be wishing. In short, I will do my best."

So, consider -- if the characters in this new movie would merely heed this very basic advice -- don't be in a hurry -- think how much misery would be avoided.

Remember the Second Variable in finding true love is time. There's plenty of time. Almost certainly, you won't be single as long as I was, and I survived; it's better to wait and get it right. And while you're waiting, watch gobs of movies.

Hollywood Dweeb Fallacy II: Marriage is a Mutual Trophy Acquisition Procedure

The Hollywood Dweeb Marital Fallacy II:

Marriage is a Mutual Trophy Acquisition Procedure

In Hollywood, in Hollywood movies, in Junior High, the object of relationships is to show off, and personal happiness is a remote secondary issue.

Take Brittany Murphy’s character, Tai, in Clueless (still the best film adaptation of a Jane Austen novel). She actually really likes stoner dude Travis but is talked into liking Elton, higher on the social ladder but really kinda empty and soul-less and boring. (In the novel Emma, Harriet actually loves a cute farmer boy, but Emma talks her into loving the vicar, Mr. Elton). The Tai/Harriet character lets herself be persuaded that she can “get” someone higher on the social scale but is never really happy; she just thinks she should be happy.

Remember the three love factors: Character, Time, and Intuition. Ambition’s not there anywhere, is it? For fun, go through the three factors with the Cher/Emma character and Josh/Mr. Knightly – see the difference? She’s known him long enough to establish his true character, which is fine; and although intuition hits late, it hits hard: bingo – True Love.


"He could have anybody, and he wants me" is not the central issue of a love affair, at least outside junior high or Hollywood, although it always seems as if it should be. It probably has seeped into your brain – shake it off.

If you can't wait to catch up, get Clueless at iTunes now:



Type A Girls: Get the Emma audiobook now from iTunes:

The Second Variable in Finding True Love

[Need to catch up on the first love variable?]

2. Time -

We all remember Sleeping Beauty, singing in the forest:

Though I know it’s true
That visions are seldom all they seem,
But if I know you, I know what you’ll do,
You’ll Love Me At Once

We tend to focus more on the “love me at once” part than the “visions are seldom all they seem” part. And why not, it’s fun.





But let’s back up to the fab Pillow Talk movie, where Rock is pretending to be a nice guy to get Doris into bed – here’s a critical exchange:

"So nice to meet a man you feel you can trust," says Doris,
and "I'd say, five or ... six dates ought to do it." says Rock.

Remember, the three variables to working out whether it’s true love or something less are: character, time, and intuition. And it’s so tempting to skip the first two and dive right into the fun one, but that’s the way girls get their hearts broken – actually, if you only get your heart broken, you’ve been lucky. (See also Kate Winslet's Marianne in Sense and Sensibility).

Guys like the Rock Hudson character play on our fantasy that everything will happen in a rush – they can play you and leave without having to put in much of their time.

If this relationship lasts, this will have been the most romantic moment of my life. If it doesn't, I'm a complete slut." Kathleen Turner, in War of the Roses

It’s a gamble. Don’t worry, though; follow this blog and learn everything there is to know about seduction techniques, and you’ll increase your odds considerably.

If you're the kind of gal who likes to be ahead of the class, go ahead and watch Meryl Streep's unfortunate adventures in ignoring time in relationships in Postcards From the Edge now from iTunes: